"have you ever realized that when people
say you have changed,
It's just because you decided to stop
living your life, their way."
Pretty much nothing brings me more joy than serving others. Like I have said in previous blogs, when I stopped working, I still wanted to feel like I was doing something.. make a difference in someones life, other than my family. So I have made it a goal to pray daily for help in finding those I can serve I can't tell you the amount of blessings that have come from it. Those people that are brought to me are special. They have never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. That the simple note I wrote, or the cookies I made, or the watching of kids I did wasn't good enough. They have let me know that even though the act may seem small to me, that is was a lot bigger to them. It keeps me going.
I am exhausted. I am not talking about lack of sleep, physically exhausted, but emotionally exhausted. I am so tired of giving and giving and giving until no end, to in the end, not feel good about it, but to feel used. Unappreciated and on top of it, like I am in trouble constantly. Nothing I can do for this person is good enough. I can literally bend over backwards, wrap my legs around my neck and jump up and down all at the same time and they would still say, " that's not enough"
Before I had McKay, I had a lot more free time. I had one less person to have to worry about and take care of, so naturally I had the time to do things for other people pretty much all the time. Now that I have my own family to take care of, not to mention myself every now and then, It seems there are people in my life who have turned to anger towards me. So angry that I can't drop everything and watch their children more often, that I can't come clean their house as I have many times before, so many things. I feel sad that they are so angry all the time, but I feel exhausted from having to apology almost daily for upsetting them by saying "no."
Those that know me, know that it is extremely difficult for me to say no to anyone. If someone said " please chop off your arms and legs for me, just for fun" I honestly would have done it. That is before I seeked counseling. Which I am so thankful and not ashamed of at all. I was really struggling this time last year, and needed help. I was being pulled so many directions, that my little family was suffering from it. It was so hard for me to say no to anyone. If I did happen to say no, I had to then have a made up excuse like I was dying from leprosy,something sure fire that they couldn't guilt me and manipulate me into then taking my 'no' back and saying yes. It took months of work, but I was finally able to learn that it is OK for me to say no. Its actually more than OK. I have now learned to say no, without any excuses and its been freeing... but along with it came the drama, the manipulation and the guilt. " you're don't love me anymore like you used to" I get that a lot. " You used to drop everything for me, now you wont" Yea, these people have families too... bigger families than me. You would think of all people they would understand that when circumstances in your life change, like getting married, having children so do your priorities and although you may not have as much time for the other things in life, you do your best and still make as much time as possible for others without making your family suffer.
This week has been a rough week. Not only am I taking care of my wonderful, yet crazy handful of a child, 18month old, but I am taking care of my husband, my mother and many other people. I love it, no matter how hard it gets I absolutely love it. So for me to get told tonight that I am not good enough, just hurt.
I am exhausted. haven't slept in 24 hours or more, have had several meltdowns, and now dealing with negativity of others who decide what they think will help them, is to put me down and belittle me. It sucks that they don't know better and haven't realized that belittling me hasn't made them happy yet, so why would it now. I hope and pray they can change and that after tonight, I can move past it and realize I am good enough. I am more than good enough and even if i don't get told that from certain people that they know it too. If they didn't think I was good enough, why would they be so dependant on me and need me so much.
