9 years ago on December 18th my world fell apart. Every year, everything that happened plays out in my mind. I remember hoping one day I would forget each little detail of that night... but, it's been 9 years and it hasn't happened yet.

I remember feeling extra tired that night, so I kissed my Mom goodnight and headed to bed early. 9pm is early for a senior in high school. It was 11pm when I heard a knock at our door. I didn't think anything of it and tried to go back to sleep not knowing that in the next few minutes.. my life would change.
I could hear mens voices . I was the only one who lived with my Mom so I knew they were the speaking to her. My bedroom was very close to the front room where they were. I could tell it was my bishop and stake president, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I figured it had to do with someone in our ward and I would just talk to my Mom in the morning.
At 11:07 I heard my Mom scream. I don't think I could get that scream out of my head even if I tried.
I ran out of my bedroom and saw my Mom, sobbing on the floor with my Stake President and as soon as I saw my Bishops eyes, I knew it had to be my brother. "Ok brace yourself Katy, Spencer probably is sick." I said to myself.
But no... something much worse than that. "Spencer was in a car accident, Katy. He was the passenger in the car and his companion was driving. His companion suffered a minor head injury... but Spencer.. .he died" I can't imagine how my bishop must have felt having to tell me that news.
All of you know me that read this blog, so you know I cry. I cry a lot. I cry very easily. But I didn't cry when he told me that news. I remember everything around me just going silent. I have never felt so alone before, and at the same time... I felt so much love and support from my Heavenly Father. My Mom and I weren't in any shape to make phone calls so they called my sister Shannon who lives here in Utah and told her the news. She then called the rest of my brothers and sisters who live in Washington state, and then proceeded to drive down to Murray to be with us. The next few hours were kind of a blur. The Stake President and Bishop of our ward left us to be together. How was I supposed to help my Mom. She just lost her son.. yes I lost my brother.. but her SON? How could this have happened. How was I supposed to be there for her when I could barely speak at all. I needed help. I went into the bathroom and prayed. I have never prayed so long and hard in my entire life, but I needed help. I needed strength and to know how to be there for my family.
next thing I remember is my sister calling from Washington. I remember being so strong, and comforting to her. I don't remember what I said, but I do know the spirit was there with me helping me find the words to say.
The rest of the night and following morning were spent holding my Mom. neither of wanted to be alone so we went to my Mom's bedroom and I held my Mom in my arms. She cried... I did not. I held her and told her things that I didn't even know where in my vocabulary. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if I was having an out of body experience and someone had taken over my body. It was my brother. I truly believe and know he was there, and helped me say the things I needed to, to help my Mom. The things she needed to hear. That Spencer was OK and he was there with us in spirit and loved us all so much. After that we were able to rest.
Our neighbors and friends showed us an abundance of love and support. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have my ward family there to help us, the gospel and my Heavenly Father. I would not have been able to get through such a hard time.
Days passed and it just got harder and harder. Every time we turned on the TV there he was.. my Brother. Every news station had his story on, every newspaper. They all had a different story to tell. None of them seemed to be the correct story. It was frustrating. Media came to our house, but to make sure we werent' bothered my bishop.. the kind, amazing man he was/is, stayed in front of our house to make sure they didn't bother us.
Spener was burried just a few days before Christmas. They drove his body in from Montana where he was serving his mission and we gathered at the mortuary to see him. Our dearest, closest family friend, Alma Hansen drove us to the mortuary. He was such a great example in all our lives. He was someone I called my Dad since I didn't have one in my life. He helped Spencer make the decision to serve a mission. So when we arrived at the Mortuary, Alma and my Mom went in together to see him. Screams and crying is all you could hear. It was heart breaking and devestating to hear that, and knowing it wasn't coming from my Mom, but from Alma. Spencer was such an incredible person. He was the best brother and best friend you could ever ask for. he touched so many peoples lives, and seeing/hearing Alma, proved that to us.
The funeral was amazing. he was loved, for the whole chapel and gymnasium were filled up with people who loved him and missed him. I sang a song with my 2 sisters at his funeral. Bad idea. I never again will agree to that.. (keep that in mind family)
After the funeral, as family was leaving town I was told " You have to be the strong one Katy. You can't cry. You have to hold Mom together becuase you are the only one living with her." Those words have stuck with me and ring through my head anytime the going gets tough. I took it to heart and have done everything I could to keep it together and be the strength for my Mom. I don't know that I have done a good job at it, but I sure have tried.. I have tried so hard.
So, as I sit here the eve of Spencers Heaven Day Anniversary, I have shed a few tears as that night plays over in my head, I have shared a few laughs as I think about the amazing and funny man Spencer was, and I hold my baby a little tighter, knowing he shares his Uncles name and that he is so close to the vail.. I can just feel the spirit so much today from McKay.
December 18th, 2001 was honestly the worst day of my life... but I'm grateful. I am so very grateful to have an angel in Heaven watching over me and my family. Rooting for us so we can make the best decisions we can so we can all live together agin. I am so thankful for my knowledge of Eternal Families and can not wait for the day I get to hug Spencer again.