9 years ago on December 18th my world fell apart. Every year, everything that happened plays out in my mind. I remember hoping one day I would forget each little detail of that night... but, it's been 9 years and it hasn't happened yet.

I remember feeling extra tired that night, so I kissed my Mom goodnight and headed to bed early. 9pm is early for a senior in high school. It was 11pm when I heard a knock at our door. I didn't think anything of it and tried to go back to sleep not knowing that in the next few minutes.. my life would change.
I could hear mens voices . I was the only one who lived with my Mom so I knew they were the speaking to her. My bedroom was very close to the front room where they were. I could tell it was my bishop and stake president, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I figured it had to do with someone in our ward and I would just talk to my Mom in the morning.
At 11:07 I heard my Mom scream. I don't think I could get that scream out of my head even if I tried.
I ran out of my bedroom and saw my Mom, sobbing on the floor with my Stake President and as soon as I saw my Bishops eyes, I knew it had to be my brother. "Ok brace yourself Katy, Spencer probably is sick." I said to myself.
But no... something much worse than that. "Spencer was in a car accident, Katy. He was the passenger in the car and his companion was driving. His companion suffered a minor head injury... but Spencer.. .he died" I can't imagine how my bishop must have felt having to tell me that news.
All of you know me that read this blog, so you know I cry. I cry a lot. I cry very easily. But I didn't cry when he told me that news. I remember everything around me just going silent. I have never felt so alone before, and at the same time... I felt so much love and support from my Heavenly Father. My Mom and I weren't in any shape to make phone calls so they called my sister Shannon who lives here in Utah and told her the news. She then called the rest of my brothers and sisters who live in Washington state, and then proceeded to drive down to Murray to be with us. The next few hours were kind of a blur. The Stake President and Bishop of our ward left us to be together. How was I supposed to help my Mom. She just lost her son.. yes I lost my brother.. but her SON? How could this have happened. How was I supposed to be there for her when I could barely speak at all. I needed help. I went into the bathroom and prayed. I have never prayed so long and hard in my entire life, but I needed help. I needed strength and to know how to be there for my family.
next thing I remember is my sister calling from Washington. I remember being so strong, and comforting to her. I don't remember what I said, but I do know the spirit was there with me helping me find the words to say.
The rest of the night and following morning were spent holding my Mom. neither of wanted to be alone so we went to my Mom's bedroom and I held my Mom in my arms. She cried... I did not. I held her and told her things that I didn't even know where in my vocabulary. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if I was having an out of body experience and someone had taken over my body. It was my brother. I truly believe and know he was there, and helped me say the things I needed to, to help my Mom. The things she needed to hear. That Spencer was OK and he was there with us in spirit and loved us all so much. After that we were able to rest.
Our neighbors and friends showed us an abundance of love and support. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have my ward family there to help us, the gospel and my Heavenly Father. I would not have been able to get through such a hard time.
Days passed and it just got harder and harder. Every time we turned on the TV there he was.. my Brother. Every news station had his story on, every newspaper. They all had a different story to tell. None of them seemed to be the correct story. It was frustrating. Media came to our house, but to make sure we werent' bothered my bishop.. the kind, amazing man he was/is, stayed in front of our house to make sure they didn't bother us.
Spener was burried just a few days before Christmas. They drove his body in from Montana where he was serving his mission and we gathered at the mortuary to see him. Our dearest, closest family friend, Alma Hansen drove us to the mortuary. He was such a great example in all our lives. He was someone I called my Dad since I didn't have one in my life. He helped Spencer make the decision to serve a mission. So when we arrived at the Mortuary, Alma and my Mom went in together to see him. Screams and crying is all you could hear. It was heart breaking and devestating to hear that, and knowing it wasn't coming from my Mom, but from Alma. Spencer was such an incredible person. He was the best brother and best friend you could ever ask for. he touched so many peoples lives, and seeing/hearing Alma, proved that to us.
The funeral was amazing. he was loved, for the whole chapel and gymnasium were filled up with people who loved him and missed him. I sang a song with my 2 sisters at his funeral. Bad idea. I never again will agree to that.. (keep that in mind family)
After the funeral, as family was leaving town I was told " You have to be the strong one Katy. You can't cry. You have to hold Mom together becuase you are the only one living with her." Those words have stuck with me and ring through my head anytime the going gets tough. I took it to heart and have done everything I could to keep it together and be the strength for my Mom. I don't know that I have done a good job at it, but I sure have tried.. I have tried so hard.
So, as I sit here the eve of Spencers Heaven Day Anniversary, I have shed a few tears as that night plays over in my head, I have shared a few laughs as I think about the amazing and funny man Spencer was, and I hold my baby a little tighter, knowing he shares his Uncles name and that he is so close to the vail.. I can just feel the spirit so much today from McKay.
December 18th, 2001 was honestly the worst day of my life... but I'm grateful. I am so very grateful to have an angel in Heaven watching over me and my family. Rooting for us so we can make the best decisions we can so we can all live together agin. I am so thankful for my knowledge of Eternal Families and can not wait for the day I get to hug Spencer again.

4 Years

4 years ago today, I was married to my best friend for time and all eternity

These 4 years have really flown by. I could have sworn we had been married for at least 6 years. I had to count twice to make sure. I know everyone always says "it's been the best 4 years of my life" but for me it really has. We have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. 1 year after being married we purchased our first home.

Steve worked very hard and is now finished with College and we have a very handsome son and the list could go on and on...

Life has very few guarantees but when you are married to a man like Steve, you are guranteed to feel safe and secure

to feel special, like you are the only one he see's

constantly be encouraged

To always feel loved

and to laugh..... hard, everyday!

Happy Anniversary, babe

and from the mouth of Kelly Clarkson "my life would suck without you"

P.S. Thank you for helping me gain 5lbs this morning from the amazing breakfast you made me.

On a happier note...

McKay is 2 months old today and had his 2 month check up this morning. We have a big boy on our hands. Not that I needed the Dr. to tell me that.

At 2 months, McKay is 14lbs and 26 inches long. I can't remember the percentile on those, but he is off the charts 95-100% percentile on both of those Because he is so long he doesn't look very chubby. I am sure he appreciates that. He got that gene from is Daddy, that's for sure.

As you can see from the top picture, McKay is starting to smile more and more these days. With this week as an exception. He is wearing 3-6 month clothes and quickly growing out of those. He still hasn't got the hang of the whole napping thing during the day. Which would be fine if he were a happier baby. Mommy would sure love it if he would sleep more than a few minutes at a time during the day. Nighttime sleeping is going great. he usually sleeps a solid 6-8 hours then wakes up to eat then sleeps another 3 hours.. or until it's light outside. We are trying to darken his room this weekend to see if that helps with his napping.

McKay is eating 4-6 oz of formula at each feeding. during the day its still every 3 hours.. actually more like ever 2.5 hours. I think he has a fast metabolism. McKay is rolling over, following more and more things with his eyes and I think he can recognize his Mom and Dad's voice. He still only likes it when Steve sings to him... or Gramma My. For some reason he instantly settles down when she sings in a really high pitched voice " Purple piggies poop purple poop too" I have no clue how she started singing that but it works. I tried it once and it worked for me too, for about 5 minutes. It's just something about Gramma My's voice I guess.

McKay still has bad acid reflux. The Dr. said he has been on way too low of a dose for how big he is and that was probably the root of the problem this week, so we are upping his dose and hoping it helps him. Poor little guy.

He loves to stand up and has great head and neck control. He holds on to toys or rattles for about 30 seconds and still hates tummy time.

As hard has these first 2 months have been, I am still thankful to have him in my life. He has blessed us in so many ways, and is teaching me more and more each day.

It's only Tuesday? This is my week so far.

*DISCLAIMER*
I am not complaining in any way about my Son. I am so thankful to have him in my life... but sometimes a girl/mother has got to vent a little.

Monday: Woke up to crying baby at 6:45am. Fed the baby and he was still crying. Basically... spent all day Monday holding and trying to console a screaming baby who doesn't believe in taking naps during the day for some reason. Luckily, I was relieved from it when Steve got home at 4:30 and I was able to go groccery shopping. let's just say I took as long as possible doing that. I needed the break. Finally got the little one down for the night at 9pm.

Tuesday: Woke up at 4 to feed the baby. Got him to go back to sleep for maybe an hour then he was up for the day basically. Said a prayer that today wouldn't go like yesterday did. I had a dentist apt at 11 in Cottonwood Heights and desperately needed a oil change. It was pretty much unsafe for me to be driving anymore until I got that. So I called around to every close Firestone I could ( we get a good discount through Steves work to use them) and the Bountiful one couldn't get me in, in the morning. Called the Murray one. Success. They said if I could be there in a half hour they would have it done for me at 10. This was 8:30 so I rushed to get dressed and McKay dressed and in the car. Got there 5 minutes late and they said they couldn't fit me in anymore. I was not so happy, not to mention neither was my son. He was once again screaming. So I went to 2 more Firestones and found one who was able to squeeze me in. I am pretty sure they just felt bad fo me as I was trying to carry the car seat, while listening to the screaming baby and trying to carry my purse and diaper bag.... while tears are running down my face. I had kinda lost it by that point. So they got me done just in time for me to drop him off at his Aunt Becky's house, who he absolutely adores. "Please just stop crying and be good for her" is what I said over and over again. Apparently that worked.. now if only I could get myself to stop crying so the dentist didn't know how much of a basket case I really was. After 2 hours at the dentist, a sore jaw and tooth I'm back to pick up the babe. He was good for her. Success again! Now that I am home, how do I get him to be good for me? Took me over an hour to feed him because in between each such he would cry. Poor thing, this is probably just as rough for him as it is for me. I wish he could just tell me what's wrong. ( I am assuming a little stomach bug or he needs stronger acid reflux med cause he just keeps throwing up)
Now you all are wondering " Katy, if he is always crying.. why are you writing a blog instead of taking care of him?" well, to answer your question. I have had to stop writting this 5 times now to get rock him back to sleep. Did I mention he doesn't like to take naps during the day? Yea, He is so tired I just can't find the magic trick to keep him asleep.
So now that you are up to speed with my first 2 days of this week.. let's hope my complaining has my Heavenly Father feeling bad for me so he will give me a break. Just one break is all I ask for.. just one day where if he isn't going to sleep then fine, but at least have him be happy while he is awake.
Zumba tonight at 7pm. I am exhausted, and not feeling so well but I know it will help relieve my stress.

Ugh!

Why is it that cleaning out your refirgerator and pantry are such intimidating and dreadful tasks? Really, it isn't that hard, especially if you keep up with it and do it more than every.. well let's just say I can't remember the last time I cleaned out either of them. This weekend I tackled the tasks. 2 garbage bags later and a realization that I REALLY need to go groccery shopping, we now have a sparkling clean fridge and semi-clean and organized pantry. I can't wait to fill them both with food again( I just finished our menu for 2 weeks and shopping list. Yay!) and this time, I swear, I will be cleaning it once a month.

19 Things I'm Thankful For

1. My wonderful loving supportive wife who makes me better. She's cute as can be and an amacing mother too.

2. My adorable son

3. My health

4. Eternal Families

5. Chocolate

6. True friends

7. Washing machines

8. Doggies who love me unconditionaly

9. A warm bed to sleep in

10. Good music and mp3's that allow me to own good music that I wouldn't other wise.

11. Warm showers

12 My job

13. The joy of Coca-Cola

14. Chinese food

15. HD TV with DVR

16. Trials that make me stronger

17. In-N-Out Burger opening 7 minutes from me

18. Hot chocolate, fireplace, PJ's and a movie on a cold winter night


19. Nielsen's frozen custard

Proud Mamma!

McKay had his first photo shoot today. I'd say its the start of a great career for him. I shouldn't have waited this long, now that he almost 6 weeks but its finally done after peeing on the photographer only 3 times and pooping once. I'd say thats pretty good, especially because he was happiest during those times. Love his double chin!!

I have a great friend Caitlin Selle, who happens to be fantastic with the camera. I had her take a few pictures when she was visiting. I can't wait until she can take more of my little man. This first picture always makes me yawn when I look at it

Today

Today is a snowy/rainy cold day. As much as I hate the cold, I am loving just lounging in my PJ's today. Doing nothing but holding my sweet, screaming baby who for some reason made it through all of church, all of the blessing get together after and then as soon as we were home he was not a happy boy. Needless to say, even though I haven't had time to do much today I have had time to think. Some might say that is not always a good thing for me. I tend to dwell on things a lot, but today its good.

Yesterday before Sacrament meeting started my sister in-law and her friend were in the chapel playing the piano. They seemed so happy playing. I could tell he truly loved playing the piano. I love the piano, and always have. I have played for..oh gosh, a LONG time. Played is the key word. I wish that I took more time to play the piano now which then led to the thought that I need to maintain the talents and interests that I have always loved doing. I used to hike.. A LOT! I want to keep doing that. I used to play all sports. I want to start playing more sports. Singing. Reading. Writing. Life changes, its unavoidable. I don't want to become boring or mundane, always doing the same things. Life is too short to take so seriously. I am so glad that I married a man who agrees with me on that.
Even though I have my own little family now of 3, I think its still important to keep some of the things that make me who I am in my life. I need to adapt to the changes that are happening but make time for my hobbies, interests and talents.

McKay 1 Month

Just for my own record keeping since I am better at blogging than I am keeping a journal, here is some 1 month stats


* Now that he has acid refulx medicine and special formula that doesn't contain Milk or Soy he is a much happier baby

*He is sleeping a little better. Still waking up every 3 hours to eat

*He is eating between 4-6 oz. he is a big boy.

* Last weight check he weighed 10lbs 6 oz and was 23 inches long. That was 2 weeks ago and I am sure he weighs much more than that now. He barely fits in his 0-3 month old clothes

*McKay has great neck and head control, but HATES tummy time

*He is following things with his eyes and will make noises back to me when I make them at him.

Although it has been a rough 1st month for us all, we are so blessed to have this little boy in our family and love him more and more every day.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween from the cutest little bear ever!

See this?

Yea, that's what we call a sleeping baby. We don't see much of that around here anymore. It's more just screaming and crying at the Porter househould. I wish he was more like his Mom, and would realize sleep is a good thing.

he's here!

McKay made his appearance on my due date, Sunday Oct 3rd at 6:25pm. He weighed 9lbs 10oz and 22inches long. I don't have too much time to blog right now because this adorable, little bundle of joy loves to cry and not sleep very much. So here are a few pictures until I can blog more.

I am still alive, promise!

if you notice on the side of my blog, the countdown for baby to come is 2 days. It would be nice if that really did come true, Im not holding my breath for it though.

I can't believe how quickly 9 months has flown by. Pregnancy has not been the easiest thing by far, but it will be the most rewarding that I have gone through in my life. Everything hard will all be worth it once he is here. I just have to remember that. its been hard to keep that in mind the last couple weeks. I am not sure what's worse; constant sickness throughout almost your whole pregnanacy or the last 2 weeks of being pregnant. I'm ready to be done that's for sure.
On Wednesday we had an ultrasound done to determine size. He is measuring approximately 8.5lbs. give or take half a lb. not a HUGE baby, but definetly if he sits in there until I am induced in 10 days he will probably be at least 9lbs. They said his legs and arms and hand and feet are all measuring super long. No surprise since his Daddy is so tall and I am not sure by any means. The said overall he is measuring in the 90th percentile. My Dr. said that if I said I wanted a C-Section she would do it today for me since he is big. I really don't want that. I want to avoid that at all cost so he will wait... and sit inside me. Just hopefully not too much longer.
The past 3 weeks I have had no progression. With my due date being 2 days away, I know this is common, especially for your first baby but common or not its disappointing to go to the dr. to see nothing is happening. If McKay doesn't decided to come on his own then my induction date is set for 8pm on 10/09 with the plan of him being born on 10/10.
Yes, its a cool birthday but at this point I don't care what day he is born I just want to get him here already. I better learn some patience, right?

Tonight I plan on doing anything and everything to help get this labor started. My sister is taking me out to get a pedicure ( I hear there are pressure points in your feet that can start labor) and it will be relaxing and needed. After we plan on eating the spiciest pizza known to man. Apparently there is a restaurant in Salt Lake that has a spicy pizza that people swear by if you want to go into labor. I also plan on galloping around the neighborhood like a horse.(google says that really works)

To Our Baby Boy

The day I found out we were pregnant with you was one of the best days of my life. The struggle we faced trying to get you here has been well worth it, and I am thankful for the challenges .
I thank Heavenly Father everyday for giving me the chance to be a mother to you. I look forward to watching you grow into a little boy and a man and we hope we will guide you on the right paths.
Daddy and I can’t believe that we will have you in our arms in nearly 12 weeks. This all feels like a wonderful dream.

I will always love you no matter what and will always be here when you need me.

I love you baby

McKay Spencer Porter

and can’t wait to have you in my arms!!

P.S you should feel so blessed you get to have your uncle Spencer as part of your name. He would be so proud.

Check Up

We had another ultrasound today because our gender ultrasound 4 weeks ago, he was being very stubborn and they couldn't see everything they wanted. I was excited as the pictures we got last time were blurry and we didn't even get one showing what he was. Today we did! Its for sure a boy and we are so excited.

I am feeling him move more and more each day. Especially at night and after the ultrasound today he seemed pretty mad that we bugged him and he is still jumpin around in there. The best thing about today was that not only did I see and feel him move, Steve got to. He has been wanting to feel it for so long and finally he can. Its the best that he can share that with me now.
They said the baby is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead and weighs 2.5 lbs.. usually babies at 25 weeks weigh around 1.3 lbs so he is going to be a big boy.

For the past month my pants are fitting tighter and I just feel like I have gained weight. My Dr told me 4 weeks ago that this next apt. ( today ) would be when she would most likely see me gaining weight. It happens to everyone.. well I was able to prove her wrong. I have not gained a single lb yet. I know its sounds weird to brag about that, but I feel really good about it. My Dr. said straight off that it was OK to not gain weight for me... especially if the baby was growing well. So things are looking very good. I am so blessed to have had such a healthy pregnancy over all.

Oh and we have a name for the little one picked out. A blog will come soon with the name :)

STG

We took what might be our last getaway before the baby last weekend and went to St. George. I bought tickets to the play of Tarzan at the Tuacahn a couple months ago. The play was good, it was definitely worth it, but I think Footloose & Annie last year were probably better. There was a cool breeze up until about the last musical number when it started raining. We listened to it as we walk out to our car before getting soaked. The amphitheater setting and the effects they do there make it really fun. Next year they're doing Wizard of Oz, Grease & Hairspray. We definitely plan on going to all 3.
We tried a restaurant Friday night call "Brick Oven" Pizza & Pasta and it was great food. We'll definitely be going back. I just learned that they actually have a Provo location too, but St. George is much more fun if you can find a reason to drive 3 more hours, do it! In fact, if you need a reason, here's one... Tuacahn! or The Outlet stores! We hit up The Children's Place and found a few things on sale for the baby. They have an awesome assortment of stuff on clearance in the $3-$6 range.
We went to a matinee movie and saw "Letters to Juliet." It was pretty entertaining romantic story. Definitely worth the matinee price.

Pictures coming soon....

Comments

Do you ever get a comment on your blog that is a question? I am sure I have left one before, I almost did a few minutes ago. How do you handle those? Do you try to contact them personally? or do you leave your own comment on your own blog answering it? I never know how to handle it so I ignore the questions ha ha. I have always felt silly commenting back on my own blog post.

What do you do?

Boys

I am really no good at blogging lately. I was reading my old posts clear back to where I started and realized I need to blog more. So to start, this is my 2nd blog in 2 days. Woot! That is pretty good, although this wont be very length.

So while I was reading my old blogs I came across this picture

My two favorite boys in the entire world! I love this picture more than words can express.. and I can't wait until our little boy is here to join them.

4 Day Work Week!!

This weekend we are heading to sunny St. George for a much needed relaxing weekend. Which means even better.. only a 4 day work week for me! Steve surprised me with this trip and bought us tickets to see Tarzan at the Tuachan. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my weekend.

I mean, no better way to spend the weekend that in St George AND going to do a session at the St George Temple. I have never been there before and I can't wait.

I will probably spend most of the weekend in the pool at the Hilton since I can't stand the heat and especially now that I am pregnant the heat is even worse. So I better come home with a nice tan and something better to blog about :)